Crotchduster - Big Fat Box of Shit

Oh, how I've been dreading this day.

Now, of all the bands in the world, I have to review Crotchduster. Freakin' Crotchduster. I am ticked off about this. I am overwhelmed. I hate everyone just because of this. Why?

Because I will never be able to explain in words how awesome this album is.

There's so much I want to say about this album, and I'm going to. It's crude. It's funny. It's sexual. It's violent. It's random. It's crazy. It's insane. It's talented. It is so freaking talented it's unreal. It's like someone gave everyone in Mr. Bungle and Frank Zappa some cocaine and made them run wild.

It's like this album is TRYING to kill you! Trying to rock your world. Trying to ruin other music as a whole for you.

It all started when Jason Suecof of Capharnaum decided he hated music of all kinds, especially metal, got a few friends together, and decided to make the ultimate album that'd destroy every other album ever made.

Jason Suecof is here as Fornicus "Fuckmouth" McFlappy, along with a member we do not know the name of, Slippery Jim, and their dog Cain on drums, when it's really a drum machine.

It also features:
James Murphy - guitar solo (ex-Agent Steel, ex-Disincarnate, ex-Death, ex-Obituary, ex-Cancer, ex-Testament, ex-Konkhra, guest for Explorers Club)
Richard Christy - vocals (Burning Inside, ex-Death, Rick Renstrom, ex-Acheron (US), ex-Control Denied, ex-Demons & Wizards, ex-Iced Earth, ex-Leash Law, ex-Public Assassin, ex-Tiwanaku, ex-Wykked Wytch, ex-Syzygy (US), ex-Bung Dizeez)
Jordan Suecof - bass (Capharnaum (US))
Jonathan Lee - drums

So what makes this album freaking amazing? Everything. From the humor which ranges from stupid to hilariously spot-on parodies of genres, to the constantly changing genre. Seriously, they cannot go more than 30 seconds of the same genre in each song. You will see everything from death metal, to hip-hop, to reggae, to techno, to even epic ballads represented here. And the best part is that they hit all of the genres absolutely perfectly. Each genre seems like they're a master at them and have been playing them for years, and there are several sections you'll wish were fleshed out into full length songs.

This album has personality and humor, and tons of it. I cannot resist laughing at some of the songs, from the stupid humor of them constantly talking about whose semen is better in 'Mammal Sauce', to Slippery Jim's rant about looking good, being mad, and not caring for children in sweatshops in 'Cain Sings The Blues'. It looks unfunny when I describe it, but wow..

I found this album three years ago, and have loved it ever since. It's amazing. It's what the Lonely Island, Bloodhound Gang, and Tenacious D could only dream of being this funny. Not saying those bands aren't funny, but still. These guys are even funnier than Psychostick. A tour between them would be absolutely amazingly hilarious.

The songs are very hard to keep up with and memorize at first, but as you listen more and more, you memorize every section of every song, something you once would have thought impossible.

Keep in mind, these guys are very explicit, so their humor isn't for everyone. They have dark and perverted senses of humor. Just warning you all.

The question is, what brings this album down?... Would you believe me if I said nothing at all? Seriously, I know some people will really, really hate this album due to its style, or they don't get the sense of humor, but for the people who can really enjoy this kind of music and don't mind the humor, or even embrace it,

And another thing, it was really hard to pick one track to represent this whole album. The album really should be listened to as if it was one big song. Don't judge the song below (unless it's a good opinion!) based off of one song. Hear this album. It will be the most unique, insane, and random music you've ever heard before in your life.

These guys are the band I'd most like to see live, even if they were only around for this album and never played a gig. They said at the end of this album there'd be another, but seven years later, this is looking less and less likely..

But even if we never get another album like this, this album was an absolute Godsend that we'll never see one of its kind like it ever again. At least not done as well.

So many questions are left unanswered.. Who is Slippery Jim? Why isn't there a second album? Who is Williams and why do these guys hate him? Why do they enjoy using their semen for shampoo? Whatever happened to these guys?

I really, really, REALLY want to give this a 10/10, but that'd mean it's perfect, and I don't feel it's perfect if it can't appeal to everyone. It's a personal 10/10 in my book, but due to the reasons I've just said, I have to give this a 9/10. If I could get really technical with it, I'd give it a 9.99/10. Will you enjoy this album as much as I do? Who knows, but I really hope you do.

I could go on and on about this album for hours, but no amount of words will ever do it justice. Amazing album. This is the album that I would've made if I could make music, and was talented.

Just some parting words: It will either be the worst, or the best album you've ever heard.

Recommended Track(s): Cain Sings the Blues