Saturday, December 3, 2011

Prison Rape

prison rape, the truth about prison rapeHere's a game you can play at home: Take a drink of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time I use a different word or term for 'asshole' and 'penis'. You're going to be absolutely wasted and dry-humping your bed by the end of this.

I watched Blood In, Blood Out with Taylor yesterday, and it was a good movie, I have to watch it again, but there were so many hints of prison rape that I can't help but touch on this subject. Now, rape isn't funny, I'll throw that out there, but considering that prisons are mainly filled with murderers, rapists, and people who illegally download music, prison rape can simply be described in one word to the general public as hilarious, and everyone knows it, especially the prison-raped. Come on, if you're getting silly-stick'd up the hoo-haw, surely you can find some humor in it, or you're Republican.

prison rape, drop the soapIf you bend over, you'll feel even dirtier than before.

If you're in prison for a crime you didn't commit, like Charles Manson (nobody with the name of 'Charles' is ever evil), then hey, that sucks, but truth is you probably shouldn't have brought your AK-47 to the airport at the same time as the shooting. I don't care if you were planning to make yourself a hero in some strange third world country religion, someone beat you to the punch, and now you're apparently the terrorist. Life can kind of suck like that, but rest easy, that guy has 40 or so virgins waiting for him in the afterlife waiting for him to put the you-know-what in the you-know-where.

And they're all awkward guys just like him.

rape, prison rape, shoplifting, anti-drug, don't do drugs, drugs, butthole in prisonKnow that pen you accidentally took from the bank? Shoplifting. Get ready to meet Horse Cock Harry.

I'm not saying prison rape is exactly award-winning material, as much as I'm trying to make you come to that conclusion itself. It isn't very hard to come to that conclusion, just go to prison, avoid getting raped, and watch the guy get his pudding hole retro-fitted with some guy's boink swatter, while your cellmate yells out encouraging mantras to the rapist while laughing, like "screw his face off" and "oooh aaah shag him oh God yes keep doing it yes do it for the untermensch" like a true bro.

rape, prison rape, anthony jeselnik, shower rape"I had a friend who went to prison that was so scared of getting raped that he never took a shower... Because he was too busy getting raped."

Of course, the subject of rape is kind of weird in the media. If it's a girl getting raped, you can bet people will be raging and wanting to kill the rapist. If a guy gets raped by a girl, people will go "lol u cant be raped by a girl" and pat the guy on the back, as a 'congratulations' for getting some, even though often times in these cases, he was a victim of statutory rape, though some will say he wasn't ever a victim at all.

But as soon as you have a guy raping another guy, you better get the popcorn and Mountain Dew ready, because it's ready to turn into a laugh-fest for the whole family, while the father slugs his hand on his eight year old son's shoulder, telling him "There's the number one reason not to go to prison!" and the mother is just astounded (and slightly turned on) by the fact that there's a guy getting cannonball'd up the fiddle cove by a guy's pork steeple in front of her child.

Even I'm getting a little hot and bothered just thinking about it.

But the thing is, unlike this article may make it out to be, rape is not funny. However, prison-rape is apparently something the whole media can get around, even though it probably (don't correct me, douchebags) happens more, or nearly just as often as regular rape. Wouldn't it be great if we could just rape all of our friends, and we'd know if someone was a true friend by if they still wanted to be our friend afterwards? It's a great test of friendship, go ahead and try it to all of your church friends, Jimmy!

Just a head's up, for those who are still confused by what's acceptable in mainstream media:

courage wolf, rape, friend zone, rape zonePictured above: Humor considered unacceptable by mainstream media. Also known as 'lol she got raped'.

rape, courage wolf, prison rapePictured above: Humor celebrated in references, in TV shows, movies, music, books, and video games. Also known as 'LMFAO HE DONE AND GONE GET RAPED!!!11'

Anyway, guys, if you get prison-raped, don't cry about it. No one likes a sore loser.. Or a sore corn-hole. All I know is that if someone takes your Hershey highway to chocolate town, just let them, if you're that easy to rape in prison, and you're in prison in the first place, you probably deserve it.

Will we ever see the day where regular rape, or child rape will become a comedic gag in movies or TV? Are we becoming that insensitive to the idea of rape that we just pass it around like a joke, like I was in this post? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be laughing if your daughter got raped while serving a sentence in prison, even if she was sent there for killing someone. I'm not exactly going to come down on anyone's sense of humor, because mine can pretty obscene too, but for all of those black-humored readers out there: Do you ever actually think about what you say, and what it's actually like in reality, or do you just hope everyone will think you're kidding?